Parenting Responsibilities

Now that we have a clear direction, it is time to make decisions about the co-parenting relationship and parenting time that will support your vision.

Focus on the Co-Parenting Relationship

It is uncommon to give up parenting responsibilities entirely.

If you are considering sole guardianship with sole parenting responsibilities, it is important to consult with a lawyer for legal guidance.

Most parents choose joint parenting responsibilities.
- This requires careful planning about how you will communicate and work together to share these responsibilities effectively.

Co-Parenting Communication

It is important to establish clear communication guidelines to ensure a shared understanding between both parents moving forward. These guidelines will help support effective co-parenting and minimize potential misunderstandings.

In many cases where co-parenting is not working well, strained communication is a major factor. One reason for this is that typical agreements or court orders often state that parents will make joint decisions, but they do not explain how this will happen.

When parents live in the same house, they naturally stay informed about daily matters and make decisions informally—like while chatting during household tasks. However, after separating and finalizing your parenting agreement, things will change.

Finances will be sorted out, and bank accounts will be separated.
You will settle into living apart and no longer need to discuss financial matters or other household decisions.
The primary reason to communicate will be about your children and parenting matters.

This shift emphasizes the need for a clear plan on how co-parenting decisions will be made and communicated after separation.

Once you are living in separate homes, communication will not happen naturally—it will need to be intentional. To ensure things go smoothly, it is important to work together to decide:

When you will keep each other informed about parenting matters.
How you will share updates and important information.
When joint decisions need to be made.
How you will collaborate to make those joint decisions.

Establishing these guidelines will help create a cooperative and effective co-parenting relationship.

To begin, let's focus on the main parenting topics, related to your child’s:

Health: Decisions about medical care, check-ups, vaccinations, and overall wellbeing.
Education: Choices about schools, academic support, and extracurricular learning.
Activities: Planning and agreeing on sports, hobbies, and other recreational activities.
Social Matters: Supporting friendships, social interactions, and community involvement.
Parenting Time: Scheduling and organizing time spent with each parent.
Upbringing Issues: Including boundaries, values, and addressing any special needs.

These topics form the foundation of your co-parenting plan.

Parenting decisions and interactions can be grouped into four main categories

Emergency Decisions: Choices that must be made quickly to protect the child’s safety or well-being.
Day-to-Day Decisions: Routine decisions that affect the child’s daily life and can usually be handled independently.
Keeping Each Other Informed: Situations where one parent takes action but ensures the other parent knows what happened.
Joint Decisions: Important matters that require input and agreement from both parents.

When considering the topic of health, parenting decisions can fit into the four main categories:

Emergency Decision: For example, if your child is seriously injured, you might need to call an ambulance immediately.
Day-to-Day Decision: A simple decision, like putting a band-aid on a small cut, can be handled as part of daily care.
Keeping Each Other Informed: If the cut becomes infected, you might let the other parent know so they can monitor it during their parenting time.
Joint Decision: In a more serious situation, like a doctor recommending an amputation due to the infection, both parents would need to discuss and decide together.

The key is to have a clear plan and shared understanding of how to handle different situations as they arise.

This guide will walk you through some of the most common ways people organize these types of decisions, including how Divii typically structures them. However, you can always customize your agreement or modify the wording to fit your specific needs.

Emergency Decisions

A standard clause for emergency decisions usually states that the parent who is with the child during an emergency has the authority to make the necessary decisions. This parent is then required to inform the other parent as soon as possible about the situation and the actions taken.

Day-to-Day Decisions

Parents make many decisions every day for their children, but not all require communication with the other parent. A typical clause might state that the parent with parenting time will handle day-to-day decisions independently. However, they must inform the other parent about significant matters related to important parenting topics. In practice, this means that during your parenting time, you make routine decisions on your own without needing to involve the other parent.

Informing

There are situations where it is essential to keep the other parent informed about significant matters. These might include:

Health: Observations, medical appointments, prescribed medications, or changes in the child’s health.
School: Important events, key dates, communications from teachers, or academic concerns.
Activities: Registration for extracurricular activities, scheduling of events, and social invitations.
Schedules: Changes to the child’s schedule or adjustments to a parent’s work schedule that impact parenting time.

Keeping the other parent informed about these significant issues helps ensure effective coordination and supports the child’s well-being.

Major Decisions

Typically major decisions require both parents to work together. A standard clause for major decisions might state that when significant issues arise, such as those involving the child’s health, education, or major life events, both parents must discuss the matter and reach a decision jointly. This ensures that both parents have input on important aspects of the child’s life.

When thinking about how to keep each other informed, most significant matters involve calendar items, such as:

Appointments: Medical, dental, or other important meetings.
Events: School performances, sports games, or other significant gatherings.
Key Dates: Deadlines, holidays, or important milestones.
Registrations: Signing up for school, activities, or programs.
Schedules: Regular or updated plans for the child’s activities.
Invitations: Social events or gatherings involving the child.
Changes: Adjustments to the child’s schedule or a parent’s work schedule that affect parenting time.

You can reduce unnecessary back-and-forth by using a shared calendar, which is highly recommended. A shared calendar is an effective way to track and share important dates and events. Other items can typically be communicated through text messages or emails, providing a simple and efficient way to stay informed.

Decision Making

Divii will prompt you to decide whether to include a simple joint decision-making clause or to outline a more detailed decision-making process.

Simple Joint Decision-Making Clause: This type of clause does not specify how decisions will be made but states that both parents will collaborate on important matters. It also outlines what steps to take if the parents cannot reach an agreement.

This approach provides flexibility while ensuring there is a basic framework for resolving disagreements.

Having a decision-making process is always a good idea, especially if there are challenges with communication. A clear plan ensures that both parents understand the expectations and can navigate important decisions effectively.

The process included in Divii provides a straightforward, step-by-step framework that you can both use and rely on for consistent and organized parenting communication. This approach helps minimize misunderstandings and promotes collaboration.

The first step is determining whether the issue requires a joint decision. This involves evaluating whether the matter is significant enough to need input from both parents or if it can be handled independently by the parent with parenting time. Establishing clear guidelines for what constitutes a joint decision helps streamline communication and avoid unnecessary conflicts.

Joint decisions are typically those that:

Impact the Other Parent: Affect the other parent’s responsibilities, schedule, or involvement.
Impact the Child in Both Homes: Influence the child’s well-being, routine, or environment across both households.
Incur a Shared Cost: Involve expenses that both parents are responsible for, which will be discussed further in the child support section.

These criteria help define when collaboration and mutual agreement are necessary.

Strategies for Addressing Joint Decision-Making with the Other Parent

If the matter requires a joint decision, it’s important to begin with a friendly and well-structured message to the other parent. This message should:

Introduce the Issue: Clearly outline the matter you want to discuss.
Express Your Perspective: Share your feelings and needs regarding the issue.
Include Your Child’s Perspective: If relevant, explain how the matter affects your child and their feelings or needs.
Make a Detailed Proposal: Provide a clear and specific suggestion for resolving the issue, addressing the following:
- Who: The people involved.
- What: The action or decision being proposed.
- Where: Relevant locations or logistics.
- When: The timing or schedule.
- Why: The rationale behind your proposal.
- Costs: Any associated expenses.
Clarify Timelines: Specify any relevant deadlines or timeframes for making the decision.

This approach sets a constructive tone and provides the other parent with all the necessary information to consider the proposal thoughtfully.

In my experience, many people believe they are providing all the necessary information, but they often leave out important details. This can leave the other parent uncertain about how to respond, which may lead to avoidance. By following this process, you ensure that all the key elements are included, making it easier for the other person to engage and provide a meaningful response.

Now it’s time for the other parent to respond. They should reply within a reasonable timeframe, which can be set as a default in Divii. Many people choose 24 to 48 hours as the standard for:

Acknowledging Receipt: A brief confirmation that they’ve received the message.
Sharing a Plan to Respond: Indicating when they will provide a full response, typically within a few days.
Providing a Full Response: Directly addressing the proposal.

The discussion can continue electronically, or the other parent may request a phone call if the situation calls for a more detailed conversation. Setting clear expectations for response times ensures effective and timely communication.

Ultimately, the other parent will either agree with the proposal or they won’t. If they agree, that’s great! They should respond in writing to formally confirm their agreement. This ensures clarity and creates a record of the decision for future reference.

If the Other Parent Doesn't Agree

If the other parent disagrees with the proposal, they must respond clearly and constructively. Joint decisions cannot simply conclude with a “no.” Neither parent has veto power or the authority to outright refuse a proposal. Instead, both parents must work together to address and resolve the issue.

The parent who disagrees should:

Identify What Works: Acknowledge the parts of the proposal they agree with.
Address What Doesn’t Work: Clearly explain the elements they cannot accept and the reasons why.
Show Flexibility: Indicate areas where they are open to compromise.
Highlight What’s Important: Share their priorities and key concerns.

After assessing the proposal, they should send a response that includes their feelings, needs, and a counter-proposal. This keeps the conversation focused on collaboration and finding a resolution.

You should continue cycling through these steps—clarifying, discussing, and counter-proposing—until you reach an agreement. In the vast majority of cases, over 99% of the time, parents are able to find a solution and come to an agreement through this process.

Divii will prompt you to specify what steps to take if you cannot reach an agreement. We recommend selecting mediation as the preferred method for resolving disputes. Mediation is not only the most efficient way to address disagreements but also aligns with legal expectations. In most cases, if you haven’t attempted mediation before going to court, a judge will likely require you to do so before scheduling court time. This approach encourages collaborative problem-solving and minimizes the need for litigation.

Below, you’ll find an Email Template designed to guide you through this process. The template provides a structured approach to ensure your communications are clear, focused, and effective. It’s a good idea to print it out and keep it on hand as a reference for crafting messages.

It might feel strange to use these templates, especially since you have a history of communicating with each other over the years. You don’t need to sound robotic or overly formal. The template is simply a guide—you can follow it exactly as written or adapt it to fit your own style and tone.

Here's an example of how you could personalize a template to keep it conversational yet focused:

Subject: Swimming Lessons for Abby

Hi Alex,

It was funny bumping into you at the grocery store yesterday! I hope the party you were heading to was a great time.

I wanted to reach out about swimming lessons for Abby. She’s really excited about the idea of joining her friend Cleo for the classes, and I think it could be a great opportunity for her to build some extra social connections.

The lessons are at the local Rec Center every Tuesday at 5:00 p.m., and they cost $55. Based on our child support calculation, I’d pay $20, and you’d cover $35. The program runs for 8 weeks, so it seems like good value.

Could you let me know what you think by Friday? I’d like to make sure we don’t miss the registration deadline.

Thanks so much for considering this! Looking forward to hearing from you.

Take care,
[Your Name]

This keeps the tone friendly, adds personal touches, and still includes all the necessary details for the other parent to make an informed decision.

This email message feels natural and casual, so no one would suspect it was drafted using a template. What’s important is that it maintains a friendly tone, is brief and to the point, includes all the necessary details, and presents a clear, specific proposal for the other parent to consider and respond to.