A checklist helps you stay safe before, during, and after leaving an abusive relationship. Remember, abuse is never your fault and you deserve to feel safe and secure.
There are four instrumental points in helping prevent a lethal outcome before a survivor walks out of the door:
Only you, the survivor knows when the best time is to leave. A survivor should always trust their gut when it comes to timing.
Find an advocate you can trust. Do not attempt to leave on your own. Call a domestic violence hotline or a shelter in your area to discuss options. Even if you’re not ready to leave yet, you can plan for someday and determine how to stay safe in the meantime.
Plan for a permanent change. When safety planning, make sure you assemble all essential items, including important documents and medications. The goal is to never have to return to the abuser again. A checklist can be found below.
Create emergency words or signals. A code word or phrase you can send to friends or family that will not arouse suspicion from the abuser like leaving the curtain up in the front window of your house. This will let the other person know that you are in danger, need help, and they should call 911.
CHECKLIST
Paperwork
Birth certificates & social security cards for yourself, your children/ dependants. Driver’s license & passports. W2s & pay stubs. Work permits. Government benefits card. Green card or immigration papers. Marriage, divorce, and custody papers. Legal protection or restraining orders. Records of any police reports. Health insurance & medical records. Your children’s school records. Immunization records. Financial records & bank account numbers. Rental agreement, lease, or house deed. Car title, registration, and insurance documentation.
Tip: Take photos of these documents ahead of time and keep them in a secure digital file. Photos can be 1. sufficient proof of documentation, and 2. photos will make it easier for you to replace the document if you need to leave without it.
Money
Cash & prepaid credit cards that can’t be traced. Credit, debit, ATM cards and the PIN numbers you need to withdraw cash. Checks. Small valuables you can sell if need be.
Communication
A post office box or safe address where you can forward your mail. Phone calling card. Prepaid cell phone or a cell phone with a new contract and number. Your address book or cell phone contacts.
Tip: If possible, secure new doctors, dentists, orthodontists, veterinarians, schools and other locations for yourself, your children and your pets. Make a list of the contact information for old locations to take with you so you remember.
Medical
Current medications & prescriptions. Eyeglasses & contact lenses. Hearing aids, inhalers, wheelchairs, and any other medical devices you, your children, pets, or dependents may need.
Other items
Pets, their records and items like food, a leash, bedding, medication. Keys. Clothing for you and your children/ dependents. Small toys & books for children. Valuable keepsakes.
Tip: Leave a spare set of car keys with someone you trust in case the abuser takes yours.
BEFORE: Stay SAFE and prepare.
Recognize signs of escalating situations. Remove yourself & children/ dependants from these situations
Find safe places in your home (Places with carpet, no heavy or sharp objects)
Get in contact with a support system (Support group, friends, family, etc.)
a. Make sure they do not call your personal phone or discuss your location with the abuser
b. Give them your ETA for leaving (in case the abuser starts calling others for your location)
Make two separate plans for how you will leave 1) time to prepare 2) emergency plan, Consider:
a. Where and when you are going to go. This is especially important in an emergency
b. How you are going to cover your tracks
Keep any evidence of physical abuse (journal, videos, pictures, voicemails that include threats, violent incidents, or abuse) in a safe place that the abuser cannot find. If you are injured during an incident, ask for records of medical visits from your doctor
Create a safety bag that you can easily grab when leaving that includes:
Spare Car Keys and License
Money
Medication
Phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, local shelter, etc.
Change of clothing for yourself and any dependents (food for pets)
Copies of any legal or medical documents
Important personal items (photos, jewelry, etc.)
Consider employment (if possible) so that you are financially independent
Look into protective orders/restraining orders
Planning with Children or Dependents
Identify a safe place for them (room with a lock, a relative/friend’s house they can go to for help, a nearby police station, etc.). Develop a code word that indicates they should call for help or go to a safe place. Talk to a lawyer who specializes in domestic violence/custody law and confirm you are not violating any custody/kidnapping laws.
Planning with Pets
Ask a family member or friend if they can take care of your pet(s) at their house, or regularly take the pet(s) for walks. Gather paperwork that shows ownership of a pet (vet records, a license, etc.). If you must leave without your pet, attempt to place the pet in the care of a trusted friend/relative or leave enough food, bedding, and water for the pet.
DURING: When leaving, it is important to have the best safety exits in mind for your situation and to go quickly. Your safety is MOST important!
You can review the full checklist on page 1 to confirm that you have everything.
Identify the safest exits and routes
Leave quickly and safely
Confirm that you have your safety bag with:
Spare Car Keys and License
Money
Medication
Phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, local shelter, etc.
Change of clothing for yourself and any dependents (food for pets)
Copies of any legal or medical documents
Important personal items (photos, jewelry, etc.)
Consider calling police (you can ask them to be on call, or give you an escort)
Seek medical attention immediately, if needed. Request documentation of the visit
Consider contacting a relative, friend, or neighbor to be on standby
Remind children/dependents that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you
AFTER: Staying safe after leaving abuse is crucial in maintaining your safety and moving towards a life of safety and happiness.
Physical Safety
Change your usual routes (work, school, child’s school) or ask someone to accompany you to and from errands or work. Be careful who you share personal information with
Verify with school officials that the abuser is not authorized to pick up your child
Alert school officials and anyone who transports your child (to school/extracurriculars) of the situation and what to do if the abuser shows up
Alert neighbors and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger (establish emergency words or signals)
Always keep any protective order/restraining order with you. Give copies to employers, school officials, and trusted friends or neighbors (Call law enforcement if order is violated)
Consider renting a post office box or using a friend’s address for your mail (be aware that addresses are on restraining orders/police reports)
Consider installing security systems, motion sensitive lighting, or living somewhere with security (notify security of the situation)
Reschedule any appointments that the abuser is aware of and change office locations
Try not to go anywhere alone (especially at night). If you must go somewhere, alert a friend or family member of your whereabouts
Keep any pets indoors as much as possible. Walk pets with a friend or in a public area
Seeking mental health treatment is normal after leaving abuse. Support groups or local domestic violence organizations are great resources to speak with other survivors
Work Safety
Alert trusted coworkers of situation and what to do if the abuser shows up
Change your phone number or extension
Make sure that all public information about you is deleted, modified, or kept confidential (home address, telephone number, etc.)
Request a transfer to a different desk, department, shift, or work site
Consider having your calls screened at work or route them through the receptionist
Tech and Online Safety
Change your locks, phone numbers, usernames, passwords (consider using fingerprint or face recognition for accounts or apps), and all other means of communication
Look for spikes in data usage which may indicate that a monitoring software has been placed on your device. Consider replacing your device(s) if you think the abuser is monitoring your activity or had access to it in the past
If you suspect a keylogging program (records everything you type with your keyboard) has been placed on your device:
a. First, backup your device (iCloud or Google Sync)
b. Complete a factory reset. For an Apple device go to: Settings > General > Reset, and tap “Erase all content and settings”. For an Android go to: Settings > System > Reset Options > Erase all data (factory reset) > Reset phone or Reset tablet and confirm “Erase everything”
c. Download antiMalware for the device that will check for future keyloggers and always keep your device’s operating software updated
Go through privacy settings in any apps and online accounts and confirm that other devices or accounts aren’t connected to yours (delete any apps you’re unfamiliar with)
Turn off device-to-device access like Bluetooth while not in use
Protect your location, check privacy settings on all tech. Consider cameras/ audio devices